quite literally in so many cases. the "me too" that is flooding social media is in its infancy. because there are SO many women, like me, who dont give enough credence to the everyday misogyny that makes this so pervasive in our society. its not me too. it's more likely, "when wasnt it me". and that is the worst part about it.
i dont know ONE SINGLE WOMAN who has not been put in a position of justifying her outfit. or who has not been put in an uncomfortable situation by a coworker or boss. by someone who stares at your boobs or comments on your weight. or your appearance in general. like those things BELONG to them. women, especially in the workplace, have to be aware AT ALL TIMES what impression they are giving. because we KNOW that men will make a decision or interpretation based on it. 100% of the time.
and what makes this worse, is the BLAME. well, you shouldnt want to feel attractive FOR YOURSELF. clearly, my wanting to feel good about myself - attractive - is about YOU. everything i do as a woman, somehow, is about how it affects the men around me. and that is what men dont see - because THAT is the privilege of being male.
i have fake boobs. every man i know assumes i got them to make my appearance more pleasurable TO THEM. when in fact, i got them for ME. i love them. they make me feel good. more balanced, as it were. i had kids young. and had old lady boobs at 30. so i fixed them. i should NOT have to rationalize my decision about that. but apparently, i'm insecure and needed them to make myself more attractive to MEN. or at least thats the common assumption.
i assure you - i am not. nor do i care. nor do i think that the fact that i have fake boobs means you can comment on them, or ask to see them. they are not FOR YOU. they are for me. trust me, if i want you to see them, you wont have to ask.
why is this a difficult topic. because, automatically, if i decide to to try to make myself more attractive - or what i perceive to be more attractive - i am lowering the shield of defense against that male privilege. it becomes the "well she must want the attention" accusation. and part of the shame when unwanted behavior comes your way.
the shame of "me too" is the hardest part. no matter what you experience, women always feel the shame. we are meant to. that's how it stays hidden, and why we stay quiet. its always our fault. somehow we "brought it on ourselves". we asked for it. or we accepted it.
i dont think men can ever understand what it feels like to be reduced to nothing but your boobs. to feel you have nothing else to contribute but your looks. i have spent my entire adult life shrugging off various degrees of lewd comments, because it just wasnt worth the hassle. which is just so very sad. when it hindsight, it WAS worth it. i just didnt think it would make a difference. or didnt have the confidence necessary to stop it.
i find myself, in my mid-forties, becoming that crazy "feminist" i thought i was all along. i don't wear makeup to work. i dont put on nice clothes unless i have a meeting. i am not here to impress anyone with the way i look when i do my job. its unfortunate that is has to be one or the other. but my brain, my contribution, who i AM has nothing to do with what i look like. or how i should have to present myself. people are going to judge me regardless.
i hope one day, there will be no need for a "me too". until then, i just have to say - if you are a man reading this, ask yourself if you've ever made an inappropriate comment to someone who wasnt in a position to tell you so? how many times have you seen a woman avert her eyes, or fake smile, when you have said something about what she should or could do for you? if you know what i'm talking about, then stop. if you are a man who stands next to the guy doing this, say something. chances are the woman wants to but feels like she cant.
there is no such thing as "boys will be boys". stand up. speak up. be the change.
