me too

quite literally in so many cases.  the "me too" that is flooding social media is in its infancy.  because there are SO many women, like me, who dont give enough credence to the everyday misogyny that makes this so pervasive in our society.  its not me too.  it's more likely, "when wasnt it me".  and that is the worst part about it. 

i dont know ONE SINGLE WOMAN who has not been put in a position of justifying her outfit.  or who has not been put in an uncomfortable situation by a coworker or boss.  by someone who stares at your boobs or comments on your weight.  or your appearance in general. like those things BELONG to them.  women, especially in the workplace, have to be aware AT ALL TIMES what impression they are giving.  because we KNOW that men will make a decision or interpretation based on it.  100% of the time.

and what makes this worse, is the BLAME.  well, you shouldnt want to feel attractive FOR YOURSELF.  clearly, my wanting to feel good about myself - attractive - is about YOU.  everything i do as a woman, somehow, is about how it affects the men around me.  and that is what men dont see - because THAT is the privilege of being male. 

i have fake boobs. every man i know assumes i got them to make my appearance more pleasurable TO THEM.  when in fact, i got them for ME.  i love them.  they make me feel good. more balanced, as it were.  i had kids young.  and had old lady boobs at 30.  so i fixed them.  i should NOT have to rationalize my decision about that.  but apparently, i'm insecure and needed them to make myself more attractive to MEN. or at least thats the common assumption.

i assure you - i am not.  nor do i care.  nor do i think that the fact that i have fake boobs means you can comment on them, or ask to see them.  they are not FOR YOU.  they are for me.  trust me, if i want you to see them, you wont have to ask.

why is this a difficult topic.  because, automatically, if i decide to to try to make myself more attractive - or what i perceive to be more attractive - i am lowering the shield of defense against that male privilege.  it becomes the "well she must want the attention" accusation.  and part of the shame when unwanted behavior comes your way.

the shame of "me too" is the hardest part.  no matter what you experience, women always feel the shame.  we are meant to.  that's how it stays hidden, and why we stay quiet.  its always our fault. somehow we "brought it on ourselves".  we asked for it.  or we accepted it.

i dont think men can ever understand what it feels like to be reduced to nothing but your boobs.  to feel you have nothing else to contribute but your looks.  i have spent my entire adult life shrugging off various degrees of lewd comments, because it just wasnt worth the hassle.  which is just so very sad.  when it hindsight, it WAS worth it.  i just didnt think it would make a difference.  or didnt have the confidence necessary to stop it.

i find myself, in my mid-forties, becoming that crazy "feminist" i thought i was all along.  i don't wear makeup to work.  i dont put on nice clothes unless i have a meeting.  i am not here to impress anyone with the way i look when i do my job.  its unfortunate that is has to be one or the other.  but my brain, my contribution, who i AM has nothing to do with what i look like.  or how i should have to present myself.  people are going to judge me regardless.

i hope one day, there will be no need for a "me too".  until then, i just have to say - if you are a man reading this, ask yourself if you've ever made an inappropriate comment to someone who wasnt in a position to tell you so?  how many times have you seen a woman avert her eyes, or fake smile, when you have said something about what she should or could do for you?  if you know what i'm talking about, then stop.    if you are a man who stands next to the guy doing this, say something.  chances are the woman wants to but feels like she cant.

there is no such thing as "boys will be boys".  stand up.  speak up.  be the change.

when your president is an asshole

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no man's land

i used to be a republican.  and it was a proud identifier for me for many years.  I come from a small town in Southern Maryland who went away to Brown in the 90s.  I spend 4 years surrounded by very liberal thinkers, and enjoyed lively debates and exposure to ideas very different from my own.  even then, i realized that politics couldnt and shouldnt be so black and white.  little did i know how that feeling would come home to roost in 2016.

i think the 2 party system is dead. or at the very least dying.  if there is anything i hope will come from this disaster of a presidency, its the realization that we can no longer walk around with our heads buried in the sand.  the "other people" who we left to do the job of governing have completely lost their way. It is, in the words of our 5th grade President, #SAD.

mentally for me, the first step was actually changing my party affiliation.  which i did in September.  why?  because i honestly can no longer stomach being affilitated with a party that supports such misogyny, hatred and flat out dishonesty.  and yet, i am not quite a democrat.  i am what i hope is a new breed of political activists - people who dont have to believe EVERYTHING to believe anything.

i am not religious.  but have a catholic education.  which means i have all the information i need to make a reasonable argument for my atheism.  i honestly dont judge you for your faith.  just as i would hope you wouldnt judge me for my lack of it.   however, what i have found is that my fiscally responsible political party, which used to believe in states rights and smaller government, has been co-opted by the religious right.  who let that happen??  who decided that small government was inextricably tied to God in schools?  who decided that only conservatives got to be patriots?  how did religion become the basis for an entire politcal party, when our government was FOUNDED on separation of church and state?  how did we let these morality police decide they got to keep the republican party?  and IF THAT IS SERIOUSLY the case, where were all the morality police when the man running for President, on his 3rd wife, admitted to sexual assault?  when did the republican party sell its soul to a 5th grade bully?

actually it doesnt really matter when.  what matters is that it happened.  on my watch.  and yours.  WE LET THIS HAPPEN.  our apathy.  our tunnel vision.  our self absorption.  we are ALL at fault for the situation we find ourselves in.  and it is up to us to find the solution.

and therein lies the bigger problem.  did i run out and register as a democrat?  nope. you know why?  because i believe party loyalty is the problem.  we are stuck on a hamster wheel of us vs. them.  and its time to get off of it.  also, im a fiscal conservative.  its hard to reconcile that with some of the more socialist tendency free college free healthcare schemes.  it doesnt mean they are wrong.  it just means i dont know how to pay for them.  clearly, neither do they.  and thats just a small part of the larger problem.

POLITICS IS NOT A GAME.  and we need to stop treating it like one.  If your main political goal is to BEAT me, then we are never going to win as a country.  we have lost all ability to debate anything rationally.  the intent of debate used to be to LEARN something.  to hear another side of the story. to gain perspective that might create better understanding of the larger picture.  we can not make good choices in life, about anything, if we never see thing from any perspective but our own.  its just that simple.  the art of compromise has been all but lost.  and in closing our hearts and minds to other people, we are all lost.

Governing is supposed to be a public service.  for the greater good.  and its time to start over.  Every single position should have to be a yin and yang.  2 for 1.  Until we can figure out how to put COUNTRY before PARTY, and PEOPLE before PROFIT, every position should have to be filled by 2 people.  who split the salary and the VOTE.  Let them figure out how to compromise.  make them work together, with the best interests of both of their constituents to find a way forward.  you want infrastructure - figure out how to pay for it without gutting medicaid.  we need a BALANCE.  and in the current system, its literally impossible.  we are living the blame game in our country right now.  its everyones fault and no ones.  everything is either/or.  and we need to stop it.  we need SERIOUS people to start owning up to the problems.  Fox News and MSNBC need to try to stop beating each other by only delivering the news that "their" people want to hear.  both networks need to show both sides of the story.  how about hannity follows rachel.  or better yet, they host together.  i dont care that they dont agree.  i care about hearing BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY.  and until we start opening our eyes to the ugly things we dont want to hear, we are doomed to having megalomaniac, narcissistic bullies running for office.  who think winning is the reward.  not the actual governing.

i understand that my system wont work. but its honestly no worse an idea than what we have now.  until we start throwing options on the table, we are going to be stuck where we are.  and where we are now is no man's land.  there are no winners here.  well, maybe russia. they seem pretty happy.

Pro CHOICE is NOT anti-life

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud. – Coco Chanel.

when did we become so cold hearted?  one sided?  so unable to look at anyone's situation but our own?  when did "pro-choice" become "pro-abortion"?  the right to choose in no way infers one way or the other how someone feels about the right to life.  it infers CHOICE.

i am 100% pro choice. 100%.  but i am personally pro-life.  let me tell you how i know this.  at 22, i was unmarried, swimming in college loans, had just put a down payment on a condo and working 2 jobs.  i was living with my parents while my condo was under construction, and had just purchased my first car.  i was already in debt up to my eyeballs, but confident about my future.  and my boyfriend was still in college.  i had plenty of time to figure it all out.  until i didn't.  we were smart. i had been on birth control for years.  and had just recently stopped taking the pill due to some health concerns.  and that was all it took.  one visit.

i can remember the absolute TERROR i felt when my pregnancy test came back positive.  and then the next 3 i took just to make sure.  unmarried. strike 1.  underwater financially. strike 2. TERRIFIED.  strike 3.  i would love to say that i never for one second considered an abortion.  but i did.  and i personally decided that it was not for me.  but i can not, for one second, say that choice was easy.  i could not love my son any more if i tried.  but it was not then, and is not now easy.  every single one of my plans changed that day.  and i have never ever financially recovered from that decision.  is that callous?  maybe.  but it is TRUE.  i am so incredibly lucky that i have a family that supported me.  that helped me buy diapers and formula.  over and above the 5000$ credit card i ran up at BJs.  i had a car and a place to live.  a college degree and access to good healthcare.  i was SAFE.  and it was still SO HARD. i can not imagine making that same choice if i did not have that support system. i am not sure that i could have.

now imagine if you are in high school.  and you have sex with your boyfriend and the condom breaks.  you have a scholarship to college, no job and parents who will not understand at all - as they are incredibly religious.  you have a "boyfriend" who immediately says he will deny it was him.  who starts to try to ruin your reputation.  what do you do?

imagine you are a college junior who has an ill-advised hook up.  you are paying for college on your own.  you dont have a boyfriend.  your parents will never speak to you again.  you will not be able to finish school.  your life will never be that same.

now imagine you are married.  and pregnant.  elatedly pregnant at 4 months.  with a nursery planned.  and the doctor tells you, your sweet baby is not growing.  that she will never fully form.  this baby that you want and love and have tried to have will suffer needlessly if carried to term.

who are you to judge?  how do you know what you would do?  these are just a few simple, personal examples of women who made different CHOICES.  each had lasting, indelible impacts on their lives.  ANYONE who says choosing to have an abortion is easy, is intentionally belittling anyone who has ever had to make the choice.

No woman wants an abortion as she wants an ice cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion as an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg.—Frederica Mathewes-Green

now let me ask you - all of YOU - who are pro-life PERIOD.  where are you when these women need government assistance?  where are you when they need healthcare?  where are you when they have nowhere to live?  when they can no longer go to school?  or cant find work?  where are you when they cant find affordable childcare?  when their children need vaccines?  or get sick and need medicine?  WHERE ARE YOU????

not everyone has a supportive family.  not everyone has consensual sex.  not everyone has options. i can promise you that 99% of women that decide to terminate their pregnancies do so because they feel that they have NO OTHER OPTION.  they understand the weight and magnitude of that decision.  and they LIVE with it, every single day.  i am sure, some regret it.  i know many that mourn their entire lives.  and i know that most fervently believe it was the right decision.

i UNDERSTAND your catholicism. or whatever other ism you believe in that reveres life above

all else.  you believe that every embryo deserves the right to grow, and ultimately live autonomously. but infants are not autonomous.  nor are children.  they require the very basics to survive - food, shelter, protection - none of which they can provide for themselves.  NONE OF WHICH THEY CAN PROVIDE FOR THEMSELVES.  the conditions you place on on your righteousness are unfair and unrealistic.

Adopt, you say.  There are so many people who want to adopt.  but only those babies who don't need anything extra.  everyone loves a healthy baby.  what happens to the babies with special needs?  the babies born drug addicted?  the babies with cleft palates who need years of expensive surgeries? where are all of you then? why do we still have children in foster care and orphanages?  why do children of all ages still go hungry?   because in an "ideal world" we can sleep easier knowing we stood up for what was "right"?

how is it right to determine what is best for someone else?  why are we so sure that what we think is best, is actually best?  how can bringing a child into the world that you can not take care of override the decision to prevent a lifetime of suffering?  if this world were fair or just, children would never suffer a lifetime of neglect or abuse.  not every person who gets pregnant is capable of taking care of their baby - in the womb or outside of it.  and we should not make the determination for them that they have to.

being pro-choice does not make me a baby hater.  or a baby killer.  or even pro abortion.  it makes me PRO CHOICE.  women are smart enough, competent enough, and compassionate enough to make this incredibly difficult decision for themselves.  i understand that it is easier to label us as militant feminists.  call us monsters.  murderers.  what we are is WOMEN.  who are determined to control our own bodies, our own lives,  and our own destinies.

it is time to stop judging every person who does not conform to your beliefs.  it is time to have some compassion for each other.  it is time to reach out to the women who have had to go through this.  be kind.  pray for them.  support them.  stop hating them for wanting the right to make decisions for themselves.

No woman can call herself free who does not control her own body.—Margaret Sanger

Embracing the "Radical"

rad·i·cal radək(ə)l/ 

U.S. youth slang use is from 1983, from 1970s surfer slang meaning "at the limits of control."

This is how I feel today.  At the LIMITS of my control.  And I believe (or hope) that I am just one of 3 MILLION people in this country that have had ENOUGH.  Enough silence.  Enough hoping that someone else would step up.  Enough wishing that people would do the right thing.  Enough ignoring all the injustice, ignorance, discrimination, hatred and vitriol we are being faced with.  ENOUGH WITH THE LIES.  or let me rephrase - enough with the "alternate facts".

Here we are.  2 days after the inauguration of arguably the least qualified, most controversial figure in American history.  A self aggrandizing narcissist. A man who will go down in history as the force behind the creation of the largest US resistance this side of the succession from the Union.  This won't be all about him, but it will be BECAUSE of him.  What he represents.  The underbelly that was lying dormant, waiting for someone like him to emerge.  They took advantage of our complacency.  Our temerity.  Or if I am being honest, our own self-absorption.  This is what happens when you are not paying attention. And if this is the result - that we are being shoved outside of our proverbial boxes - then THAT has to be the WHY.  So, here we are.

I've seen a ton of "anti" posts.  Why march?  Why not give him a chance?  You are just making it worse.  This is my response.....THIS is WHY ------->.  I gave him a chance.  During the primary.  When at every turn he disappointed me.  And dropped lower and lower in my esteem.  Until I didnt think he could lower, honestly.  AND THEN this came out.  I dont care that it was in the past. I dont care that he was a reality star. I dont care that he thinks it's appropriate locker room banter.  IT IS NOT.  And those of you defending it as such are at best enabling him.  At worst, you are sexist, misogynist asshats.  Most of you fall somewhere in between those extremes.  Let me say one more time IT IS NOT OKAY. And those of you who have wives, mothers, daughters, sisters or even just women friends - YOU should be ashamed of yourselves for rationalizing this.  PERIOD.  The fact that that quote can be attributed to THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is a TRAVESTY.  And I understand that this is not an issue for everyone.  But it's MY issue.  One of many, but also the lowest hanging fruit.  

I won't go so far as to say he's not my President.  I understand that he is, in fact, my President.  Whether I support him or voted for him, he won the election. And I have to live with that. I UNDERSTAND.  But I do NOT have to like it.  I do not have to go quietly on about my merry way. It is my OBLIGATION to challenge him, his rhetoric, and his policies.  Because if not ME, WHO? Letting other people take responsibility is what got us in this mess to begin with.  If you support him, then DO IT.  Stand up and tell me why we should leave NATO.  Tell me WHY we should reverse Roe v Wade.  Tell me why you believe the media is persecuting POOR DJT.  Tell me WHY science is now in question.  Why the environment is not a priority? Or for that matter WHY the truth is no longer an imperative. I may agree with you.  But i implore you to voice your support in a coherent, intelligent, cohesive manner.  So that I can UNDERSTAND.  We DO NOT have to agree on policies.  That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about getting to a place where we can discuss our differences in sane, logical, rational discourses. Not mean tweets.  Or contrarian media sources.

There is such a thing as TRUTH.  There are NOT alternate versions of it.  There are a myriad of OPINIONS on just about everything.  And I understand that some things can not intrinsically be proven.  But some can.  I REFUSE to become a silent member of a society that is trying to subvert the TRUTH.  We have long let our politicians get away with telling us half-truths, and buying into the political "SPIN" that goes along with it.  We have created this animal.  WE HAVE TO OWN THAT.  But if we don't wake up NOW, it may ultimately prove to be too late.  The TRUTH is under attack.  THE TRUTH.  FACTS are not up for debate.  There is not an "alternate fact".  An alternate fact is a distortion - plain and simple.  One could go so far as to call it a LIE.  I guess phrases like "lets just call a spade a spade" no longer apply.  Maybe in ALTERNATE fact land, a spade could be a club.  They are both a card.  And not red.  Close enough.  Do we really want to raise our children in an era of CLOSE ENOUGH????

I do not.  I OBJECT.  This is me.  RAISING MY VOICE.  I do not know exactly what the next step is.  But I do know I WILL NOT BE SILENT.  I will not keep my criticism to myself.  I will not stay quiet when others voice their support for questionable tactics, facts, media, policies or people.  I just WON'T.  And it's hard.  It's hard already, knowing I will lose friends over this.  I like my friends.  Even the ones who voted for Trump.  I've tried giving them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe their lives are truly so difficult that they are willing to turn a blind eye to his questionable character.  But I am NOT.  I understand having POLICY differences.  I was a Republican until about 4 months ago.   Lifelong I might add.  But I would rather come down on the side of DECENCY than of prosperity.  And ultimately I believe that was the choice.  That is what is came down to for me, anyway.

My hope is that what emerges from this trainwreck is an era of moderation.  And if it takes labelling moderation as a RADICAL movement, then so be it.  I believe in fiscal responsibility.  100%.  I know we can not pay for every social program on the planet.  I know that some very smart people will have to put their heads together to start figuring this out.  BUT.  I also believe in FREEDOM.  And the definition of freedom is in no way shape or form having someone else decide FOR ME what I am allowed to do with and to my body.  The questions of who I love, where I go to the bathroom, how I might identify, where or what I worship (if anything), and WHAT I DO TO MY OWN BODY are not your concern.  They are MY concern.  MINE.  I believe in your right to NOT have an abortion.  I believe in your right to be CATHOLIC.  Or Protestant.  Or Evangelical.  You don't like abortions - don't HAVE ONE.  You don't want to use a gender neutral bathroom - DON'T.  You don't want to use birth control.  DON'T.  But please for the love of your GOD, stop trying to enforce your beliefs on me and mine!  How many times have you said or heard "it's a free country"?  Guess what?  You want to keep your guns?  I want to keep my RIGHTS.  There is room here for all of us. It's called COMPROMISE.  I'm sure you have heard of it.  Maybe we all just forgot that it's not a bad word.

com·pro·miseˈkämprəˌmīz/noun 

an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Somewhere along the lines, compromise because synonymous with sellout. When in reality, we compromise every single day. As we should. Otherwise we would all be running around thinking that we can do or say whatever we want with no consequence. Sound familiar? The people who are selling out are the ones who WON'T compromise. If you are at a place where you honestly believe that what you think is more true, more important, or more significant than anyone else, you have lost your ability to learn or grow. And that is just tragic. People are allowed to change their minds. When faced with new information, it is okay to say, I have a better understanding now. That is what learning is. Being exposed to new information. And then working to incorporate it into your current understanding. Compromising is not selling out. It's EVOLVING. It's being open to enlightenment. It's placing VALUE on what someone else brings to the table. Compromise is my hope for our future.

The miserable have no other medicine

But only hope.~William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

 One of my favorite slogans that has come to the forefront recently is this :  FEMINISM is the RADICAL belief that women are PEOPLE.  How that is now or ever should be considered a radical belief is beyond imagining.  I fervently want to thank every woman before me that took up the mantle of "radical" to demand what should be given freely.  And that my friends is where it starts.  At the limit of my control is the beginning of the next phase of this continuing "radical" movement towards justice, equality and freedom.  For all of us.